Help! Help! Help!

I need to make a decision. I have 2 blogs, this one and the original one I started Life After Kids. I had to stop writing there for a long time because of ex-hubby but now that we're officially divorced, I don't feel as restricted anymore. The problem is that I spent so much time and effort over the course of a year building that blog and now I have this one. I like both of them but really don't think I have enough to say to post on both of them. I don't know what to do or what the best way might be to combine them. Please, if anybody has any suggestions here, I'm more than willing to listen!!! HELP!!!!! :)

Dropping the D word (Re-post)

How ironic is it that today I posted about finally being divorced and then I wandered over to my old blog and find this post written close to a year ago. I had to re-post it.

Well today I told hubby that I want a divorce. It went about as well as I expected it would which was with him saying he's going back to Ohio to file then. This time I'm a step ahead of him though. I already did file in Ohio. To which the courts answer is that neither of us are residents there anymore. So now I have to wait until I'm officially a resident here in Arizona. I think the whole thing is a bit ridiculous really. We moved here, put our daughter in school, changed our mailing address, everything, but aren't considered residents yet. But we still aren't residents in Ohio anymore either.

Anyways, hubby tried blowing a lot of smoke up my ass about going back to file. He must have done some checking though and got the same answers I did cause I actually didn't hear from him for a whole 2 or 3 hours. I think that might be a record for him! Seriously, no joke! So now he wants to go to counseling and all these things to work on our marriage. Where was this willingness to fix things when I suggested it all the times before? Does it only matter if it's his idea? Well he wasn't ready to change before so why the hell should I believe he's ready this time. It's always the same thing. The promises of "I'm going to do better." "This time will be different." "I get it this time." The lines go on and on. Usually, I fall for it hook line and sinker. I take him back and things are great for a little while. He works, he's kind and sensitive and actually helps with the kids instead of just coming in and falling asleep in the recliner, We talk and laugh and snuggle. But little by little everything always goes back to the way it was before. It never last. The only time he really becomes the man I want him and need him to be is when we separate and when we first get back together. Why? I just don't understand it. How can a man say how much he loves his family yet not do the things that a husband and father should be doing.

Well that just doesn't work for me anymore. I'm tired of the constant broken promises to me and the kids. And I'm tired of feeling alone even when he's there. Never again will I put up with that from him or anybody else. I love him for giving me my babies but I'm done being treated like I'm beneath him. I want a man who treats me as well as I treat him. Somebody who will be my husband, my partner, my best friend and my lover.

Free at Last!

After 10 years of off and on being together, and 5 long rocky years of marriage, I'm finally free! My divorce was final last Friday! I waited for this day for so long but it's still such a shock that I almost can't believe it's over. Josh went with me for the court hearing and the half hour leading up to going into the court room was actually very emotional. Luckily he's such an understanding man. I was very close to tears. Not because I was sad for our marriage to be over but just because it's the end of a major part of my life. I also really feel kind of bad for my ex-hubby. After his Grandparents passed away, the kids and I were pretty much all he had. But at the same time it's his own fault that he refused to do the things that needed to be done as a husband and a father. Even now his interaction with the kids is very minimal so really I don't know why I felt bad for him. But back to the point at hand, I'm finally free to get on with my life. I was awarded sole custody of our kids and he has supervised visitation at my discretion. I have no problem with him seeing them with me present but since he currently lives in another state, this makes me feel much better knowing that I don't have to send my young children 2100 miles away. Jordyn is beyond excited. She did a happy dance and said that I had to marry Josh the very next day! Wow kids adapt quickly! In the end though, I'll never regret our marriage. I got 3 wonderful children out of it and years of experience. Not to sound cliche but it really is true that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Wicked Stepmother?

Have you ever stopped to think about the way fairy tales portray stepmothers? They're always wicked and want to kill their stepchildren. Cinderella's stepmother used her as a slave. Snow White's stepmother wanted her heart cut out. And Hansel and Gretel's wanted them lost in the woods. I happen to be a stepmother, well almost but that's another post, to three children and even on bad days I've never wanted to kill them or lose them in the woods. Or the desert in our case since we do live in Arizona. Yes there's days they get on my nerves but no more than my biological children do.

Lately disciplining them, especially the 14 and 13 year olds has been difficult. I feel like I'm in a very precarious spot. I'm not their birth mother and I'm not even married to their father yet. The 14 year old, Alexis lives with us and the 13 year old, Anthony is here on weekends. I don't want them to resent me but especially since I'm a stay at home mom, the bulk of the disciplining in our house falls to me.

They're both pretty good kids. Alexis has taken to me right from the get go. We're really close. There's not much if anything that she doesn't tell me. Half the time I know who she's dating even before her friends do. She's such a good kid that my biggest complaint with her is slacking on doing the dishes. She does them, but most of the time they're still dirty. She gets good grades, doesn't give me a lot of attitude, helps with her younger siblings, keeps me informed about where she's at and who she's with. So when I get mad at her over the slacking on her chore, I feel a bit like a wicked witch for having to get on to her about it. We were talking about this a few nights ago and she blew my mind. Her response to it all was that at least I was doing what a mom should do. Wow! She doesn't mind when I have to get onto her because I'm doing my job as a mother and she's being treated just like my other kids.

Then Anthony, who happens to be a very big mama's boy, did something over the weekend I don't remember now exactly what, that I had to correct him for. I figured he'd be kind of pissed at me. But a few minutes later he said that when his mom isn't around he'd kind of like to call me mom. Double wow! I was almost speechless. Alexis has been calling me mom for close to a year now but I never expected that from him. It really made me feel like I must be doing something right as a mother.